A Reflection for Winter Break

There are some small behaviors I see myself repeating that I’m starting to wonder about. When I say small, I mean pretty small and often seemingly harmless which is why I haven’t given these behaviors much thought, attention, or reflection up to this point. However, if behavior is communication in the classroom then our own behavior is also communication and thus information for us. About ourselves.

What I’m noticing:

I check something safety related multiple times even though I know I’ve taken care of it. I will know that I unplugged the iron or curling iron, or I will know that turned off the oven, or I will know that I locked the front door or my car door, but I will convince myself that it needs to be double checked anyway.

I read people’s faces, body language, responses in meetings, and start to make assumptions about what deficients in my personal performance led to these reactions.

I struggle to wind down at night. Not because I’m so excited about what I’m working on that I don’t want to stop but more so, like my mind is searching for the next problem solve and next ball that could be dropped.

And I’m really starting to wonder if I have trust issues. Not with other people but in fact, with myself. I’m not trusting that I did what I needed to do today. I’m not trusting that I will handle whatever comes my way tomorrow.

And what’s most concerning about that is that we cannot truly give to others that which we do not have for ourselves. So, if we want to grow love and support in our school districts, we have to ensure we have it for ourselves. If we want to grow trust and inspiration, we have to make sure we have it for ourselves. And we have to figure out how we can create it for ourselves.

As educators, we are working so hard to meet the needs of students and staff. Sometimes, it’s easy to miss that in order to create this for others, we have to first ensure we personally have it.

I’ve been so entrenched in creating learning opportunities for administrators and teachers and so focused on taking action and moving our work forward, I’ve discovered that I haven’t created a plan for my own learning. We often learn by doing, so I’m not saying that I’m not learning, but that book I really wanted to read, I haven’t open it. So, I will try to listen instead on Audible and then suddenly, whoops, I had so much on my mind, I didn’t really hear that chapter. Sigh.

I think many of us are gasping for air. We are smiling with our face above water, but our legs and arms are frantically moving below the surface trying to keep us afloat. We feel so desperate to keep ourselves above water and away from sharks, we are struggling to feel the sun on our face and to enjoy the smiles of those swimming alongside of us. We are struggling to think and learn and love and live deeply.

I’m in support of being of service to others and the notion that leaders eat last but many of us aren’t eating at all – sometimes literally and often figuratively.

We will not be able to sustain.

As I mention in chapter three of Legacy of Learning, “It is humanly impossible to give maximum effort in all that we do. And yet this may be one of the most destructive virtues that we learned as a child and that we are passing along to children in schools.”

I need to learn that trust that I am enough and doing enough and not everything is worth the same level of effort. And some of this stuff isn’t worth much if any effort at all.

But you know what is worth full effort? My own growth, development, and learning.

So, I will be taking the next couple of weeks figuring out where I can give less, so I can give more to that. I will be working to trust in that and to therefore trust in myself.

Because if I can learn to do this, I will be better for everyone I love and want to support in the best possible way at work and otherwise.

I need to take some walks.

I need to enjoy some coffee with friends.

I need a little time away from my to-do list and a little more time in my to-be list.

And maybe a nap. Ha.

The next couple of weeks should provide some of those opportunities. I’m not sure what it is that you need as we bring 2023 to close, but I hope you take the time. I need to do less, so I can feel and think and live and learn more fully right now.

Wishing you an abundance of whatever it is you need right now.