Fight Perfection with Connection

I’ve written quite a bit both here on my blog and in my upcoming book about perfectionism and how it keeps us from doing great things. Perfectionism tells us if it’s not perfect then it’s not worth doing. Perfectionism is a silent but deadly dream killer, and it has kept many of us from making progress and making a greater impact on ourselves and others. Perfectionism is a self-focused approach to the work with an emphasis on how others will be perceive and receive us.

And for this reason, our ability to impact others in deeper, more meaningful ways is limited.

But perhaps equally if not important is recognizing how perfectionism impacts our ability to feel deeply. When our minds are full of worries about what others are thinking about us, it is difficult to make the space for our own emotions.

Over the weekend, I co-facilitated a leadership retreat. Last April, we worked with the same group, and I left feeling really disappointed in myself after receiving constructive feedback that a portion of the agenda was resonating with many of the participants. Fast forward, I considered that important feedback going into this past weekend and used the feedback to fuel my approach. We were able to better connect with the group as a result.

But something else occurred. Because I had already received constructive feedback about the previous experience, I had no fairy tale notions of showing up perfectly this time. The secret was out already…I’m just a regular person like everyone else. Something about that allowed me to let loose a little. I made fun of myself a bit in front of the group, and they were able to laugh with me. Instead of trying to hide my struggle, I leaned into my struggle and how I was feeling, and this made me feel more connected to the room and in turn, they also felt more connected to me.

Authenticity is more rewarding than perfectionism because authenticity supports meaningful connection versus positive perception.

It’s important we show up in honest ways in our work. I’m not saying we show up unprepared or that we don’t try. People will think and say unfavorable things about us. That is life. But we are limiting our ability to do our best thinking when we fixate on trying to control what others think and say about us. And we also limit our ability to feel deeply too.

In my case, my efforts to win favor with others are a trauma response carried from my childhood. While this has protected me in many instances over the years, it has also shielded me from a experiencing deeper, more meaningful levels of connection with others and with myself.

If perfection is the standard for adults and kids in our schools, no one will ever truly belong. No one will ever truly be seen. And learning will be limited.

The next time you find yourself hyper-focused on something that didn’t go perfectly, give yourself space to ask why this matters so much to you. Somewhere in that story, there is probably a kid who simply needs some love and encouragement. And one of the best ways to find love and encouragement is to step outside of ourselves and give to others that which we personally need.

Fight perfection with connection.