Buried under Shoes

I love to lift weights. Especially heavy weights. My daily workouts are definitely something that I would describe as self-care.

So, I’m struggling right now. Because on Tuesday morning, I woke up with a shooting pain my lower back. Normal everyday routines have become a struggle. Routines such as getting in and out of my car, getting on and off the couch, putting my pants and shoes on. These routines have been so painful that I am on the verge of tears. With audible gasps, sighs, and short breaths, I’ve moved through my daily routine. It has become too much to bear.

I finally went to see a doctor.

I have a herniated disk in my lower back.

I know how I got here. I got here because I’ve been battling a dull lower back pain for about a year now. Attributing this to my age and the need for more stretching after lifting, I quite literally just powered through. My commitment to my daily routine and making progress toward my goals was more important to me than addressing the underlying issue of this dull soreness in my back.

Honestly, for some time now, I’ve found myself saying in general about my life and the pace at which I’m operating, “I don’t think I’m ok. How am I continuing to do this?”

But rather than slow down to sit with that and sort through it, I’ve moved feverishly to the next thing, saying no to very little lately. Some lessons in life we learn over and over again. I used to be better at saying no. I’m trying to give myself some grace that I’m back in this place and that my need to say yes and push myself hard has landed me with a back injury that was preventable.

If we don’t learn to slow down and take breaks, our body will take one for us. As Brad Stulberg and Steve Magnuss state in their book Peak Performance, “Stress + rest = growth.” I always want to be growing but sometimes I come at it too hard from that gritty, hustle place forgetting that the rest part is also important.

When we work with our students in schools, we often focus on the stories about hard work and dedication. There are many inspirational stories about what people have achieved as a result of this type of relentless pursuit of the impossible.

But I think we could spend a bit more time of the stories of rest and achievement. The stories of people who pushed so hard they got injured and what they learned from this. Stories of people who needed to take time to heal themselves on the inside too. Because it’s not just stress that makes growth. It’s the stress and the rest. And internal rest is harder to see and at times, harder to explain.

I had a dream last night that I was going on a trip. And I was trying to get all of my shoes into my suitcase, and I just couldn’t get over how many shoes kept showing up in this hotel room. I was working so hard to fit them into the suitcase but at every turn, more and more showed up, and I had to make a decision. I was either going to miss my flight or I was going to find a way to get all of these shoes into the suitcase. Logic starting telling me that I was never going to get all of these shoes into the bag. But my emotions kept chiming in, “Oh but you love this pair, you really want to leave those behind?”

And the paralysis I felt left me missing my flight with more and more shoes showing up and no end in sight.

Now, I am going on a trip soon and packing was on my mind. But if that isn’t a metaphor for what I have going on right now, I don’t know what is.

There will always be shoes. More and more shoes. They will never stop coming. They will show up in the form of household chores, work tasks, workouts, social events, family expectations, personal and professional goals. They will keep coming and coming and these shoes will never all fit into our suitcases.

But these shoes don’t make a life. They are part of the daily routine of life, but they are not life itself. So, if we don’t want to miss our flights. If we don’t want to miss our life, we are going to have to figure out what matters most for our suitcase and what we can leave behind.

As I say in Legacy of Learning, “Our students don’t need teachers who do everything perfectly and instantaneously at a high level. Our students need teachers who are deeply interested in them.” We don’t have to operate this way to live fulfilling lives or to do deeply impactful work.

In that dream, I wasn’t interested in anything but getting the endless onslaught of shoes into the suitcase. There wasn’t room in my brain to process the beauty of that flight opportunity and that adventure that awaited. And that’s a shame.

On the other side of these piles of shoes is a beautiful, more calm life filled with sunrises and present moments and self-compassion.

Maybe give yourself a minute. That’s part of the work too.