More Conversation Less Email

Last week, I made some difficult parent phone calls. Did I HAVE to call? No. Would it have been illegal or against board policy to email instead of call first? No.

But when I thought about how I would feel on the other side of those emails, I decided to call.

I was very nervous. The kind of nervous that occupies your mind when other people are speaking to you. The kind of nervous that takes away your appetite. The kind of nervous that gives you nightmares at night.

But I called both parents.

And on the other side of the phone were worried moms who are trying their best. Moms who care deeply about their kids but aren’t sure how to help change their behavior.

Knowing that I didn’t have all of the answers while internally reminding myself that it wasn’t my role to have all the answers, I sat and listened on the other side of the phone. I listened as each trusted me with stories and aspects of their lives that made life hard. I listened to them outline what they’ve been trying, what hasn’t been working, and a sense of not knowing what to do next.

And while we all recognized that none of this was going to change the reason for my call, we were still able to spend time together on that call as two humans.

I was able to name that what they were going through is hard. I was able to name that I could hear how much they are trying. I was able to express how challenging various stages of childhood growth and development can be.

And I was able to say that how grateful I am that kids have moms how love them and care about them this much.

I held the line on the hard stuff. They didn’t ask me not to. These calls went so much better than they had played out in my head

So many times, we avoid doing the right thing because it’s the hard thing. We avoid doing the hard thing because of the unknowns. We don’t know how others will react. We don’t know how it will go. Not knowing drives fear and fear drives avoidance.

Or perhaps it’s the knowing it could go poorly and has gone poorly in a previous instance which drives our fear. I’ve been on the other side of those phone calls too.

But I can tell you after listening to a tired, hardworking mom at the end of a long day this week that our schools need more human interaction not less. We need more conversations not less.

And the only way we are going to change our schools, communities, and this world is through brave conversations. Not brave emails. Not brave social media posts.

Conversations. Partnerships. Togetherness.

So, if you find yourself needing to make a phone call that feels scary, here some things I kept in mind.

1. Even if a person emails you with big emotions, ask to call or meet with them. I talk about this in Legacy of Learning. Emails can feel cold and scary, even when we work hard to craft responses that reflect a productive tone.
2. Don’t wait until “things get worse” to call. If it’s the end of the quarter and a student is failing, and that student was struggling earlier in the quarter, intervene early. Be proactive in your communication and problem solving. Same with behaviors. If we wait to call, and then in that call need to share multiple stories about behavior in that one phone call, that isn’t going to feel good on the other side. The parent is going to wonder why they are just now hearing about this. They are going to wonder why we all couldn’t have worked together before things got to this point. And those wonderings are valid and fair.
3. When calling, ask if this is an OK time to talk. It’s important to be sure that if the person on the other side of the call is in the right frame of mine for the conversation. Even if they aren’t and even if this is the only time they have to talk, knowing that you care about this softens the conversation. It’s a small move for extending care and honoring humanity.
4. Celebrate the small wins. Only calling or reaching out when things are hard makes it feel like everything is hard. It’s not all bad. Train your mind to see and celebrate the good and don’t miss an opportunity to celebrate what’s going well. It’s not only great for a parent or student, it’s great for your well-being too. Seeing what is going well allows you to also internalize your role in what is going well. Seeing that our behavior matters and hard work is paying off motivates us to continue trying. This profession needs people with the resilience needed to keep trying.
5. Check your frame of mind and emotions before calling. Make sure you’ve made enough space for your own humanity before making space for others. Because when we need to talk about hard things, we might need to firm with our actions but soft with our approach. Empathizing about what is hard and ensuring people feel heard is important. And when we decide to bring our inner human into a hard conversation with another human, it goes a long way in how the other person receives the information or decision. We don’t need to say it mean. We just need to be clear. Clear is kind as Brene Brown says. But we can be clear and kind with our tone too.

These jobs are tough. But so are we.

In our toughness, let’s not hardened our hearts. Let’s be brave enough to keep our hearts soft.

We can do this. One brave and wholehearted conversation at a time.

This is how we create the world we want to see.