The Real Work

I’ve not written about this. Likely because it requires a bit of vulnerability. And while I am pro-vulnerability and write about the importance of it, especially for leaders, I also have moments of fear. Vulnerability isn’t always self-disclose, but it can involve some level of self-disclosure, and sometimes sharing something about ourselves can be scary because once it’s shared, it’s out there, and we can’t take it back.

I’ve struggled with anxiety ever since I was a little girl. I think a lot of it stems from childhood trauma, starting with the death of my father. The idea that something so horrific can happen and be entirely out of our control can be anxiety inducing for any person.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve noticed that feeling of anxiety at moments that haven’t quite matched the feeling. Moments where I should in theory be able to relax.

A couple of years ago, through the help of a professional, I learned something. It turns out that my anxiety or my forty years of believed to be anxiety was actually ADHD. This baffled me; mostly because of my preconceived notions about the symptoms of ADHD.

I guess it’s more common for women my age to be diagnosed with ADHD than one would think since many of us have developed coping skills.

For me, it wasn’t so much struggles to pay attention in meetings or complete tasks, it was the way I held onto emotions, thoughts, or ideas even when I wanted to let them go. I did this quietly without telling anyone, but I would ruminate. I would replay that situation in my mind over and over and over and try to plan for what to do next at a level that was unhelpful and unproductive. I would experience big feelings and hold onto them. Feelings that didn’t seem to match the situation. And I would know there was a mismatch, so I would keep them quietly tucked away without telling anyone. I’m not saying that this is a sign or symptom of ADHD. Just that this is how it presented in me.

It’s been about two years since I received a very low dose of medication and have been seeing a therapist. I was telling her this past week about what I mentioned in my last post. How I feel like for the past few years, I’ve been saying I want more peace, but I’m not making progress or at least meaningful progress.

She took out her notes from this time last year and read them aloud to me.

It turns out…

I’ve actually made a lot of progress. I’ve truly done some inner work that is notable. I’ve embraced strategies that I wasn’t using a year ago. I feel remarkably more peaceful than I did a year ago even if I am not where I want to be…yet.

Here’s the thing about inner work, it’s not always visible in the ways that physical transformations can be or work projects can be. Inner work is messy, often non-linear, and progress can be slow.

But just because you can’t see your growth right now, doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

Had she not taken those notes, I probably wouldn’t have believed it.

So, there might not be a before and after picture or a to-do list that’s checked off, but do yourself a favor. If you want more peace or happiness or name a thing you want for yourself that is internal, write it down somewhere. Because if you don’t, and then you put in the self-development work, you may miss your own growth. And what a shame that would be.

Seeing progress reminds us that our actions matter.

And if our actions matter, it’s a nice reminder of how much we matter. It matters that we are here. Trying and trying again tomorrow.

This is what the world needs. People who keep trying.

The real work is the work we do on ourselves. Everything else is secondary.