Insecurities are Loud

We enjoyed another feedback and coaching lab session with Mike Rutherford last week. I cannot recommend this PD enough. It’s incredibly uplifting and meaningful. Learning how to notice the impactful moves that teachers make, name talents, and elevate practices through this lens has been nothing short of life-giving.

During one of our debriefs with a teacher we observed, Mike asked him if he found the experience to be valuable and enjoyable. He said he could see how this would be a wonderful approach to the evaluation process. Mike thoughtfully responded, “This isn’t part of any kind of evaluation process. It’s simply feedback.” We’ve learned through our work with Mike that whether it’s letter grades for students or evaluations for teachers, evaluation in and of itself does not increase learning.

Are positive feedback practices a wonderful way to elevate coaching conversations during evaluations, absolutely. But if this is the only time we are spending time in schools and classrooms and the only time we are noticing, naming, and affirming the impactful teaching moves and talents of our teachers, we are missing the entire point.

I’m learning that no matter what our role or title, most of us are doing the best we know is to do, but we don’t always know the impact of our work. I’ve spent so much time lately thinking that I should be more like this colleague and making up stories in my head about how I should have “said this” or “been that way” in a conversation.

I think my best work happens when I’m bringing a coffee to a teacher’s classroom to listen and understand their work, their experiences, and the student experience. I love when parents and staff trust me with a conversation that feels heavy and one where there isn’t a clear answer or path forward. I carry those conversations with me as another lens for the work when we have to make plans and decisions.

I feel alive in my work when I’m facilitating team and committee meetings or community conversations. You know that feeling where you feel all lit up on the inside and in a place of flow.

But there are many other things that are valued by others and sometimes more valued by others where I seem to have less aptitude. I can do those things well enough to get by and make it work but the more time I spend doing them, the less time I have to contribute with my natural talents and abilities.

I’m OK with not being excellent at everything. This is why leveraging the strengths of a team.

But sometimes I worry that other people I work with are judging me for not being strong in those other areas. I worry that they don’t think I should have this job and would be glad to see me go. I worry that they are wishing for someone else to come along and do it differently. I worry that they are comparing me to others in our organization and wishing that I was more like them.

When I get in this headspace, I start doubting myself and my work. The work starts to feel heavier and more complicated, and the insecurity becomes so loud that I can no longer think or listen to others as clearly.

People need competent and confident leaders. Experience lends us competence which leads to confidence. People need to see that we believe in them and believe in the work, but they also need to see that we believe in ourselves.

Administrator turnover isn’t just a result of a job being hard, the grind of the schedule, or the old adage that people leave “bosses not jobs.” Sometimes, leaders leave because the job has made them less confident. In their efforts to grow and try, in their efforts to gain experience, take risks, and become more competent, they are judged for making mistakes, not doing it the way it’s always been done, or the way others believe it should be done. The feeling of being under a microscope can ruin not only a person’s inner life at work, but their life outside of work too because it can be all consuming.

We are all human. We are all trying. The people in your organization with leadership roles understood the job would be hard and that they would be unfairly judged. The great ones aren’t focused on their title or being in charge, they are focused on making a positive impact.

But if we don’t start to figure out how to lead ourselves first from every seat in the organization, and if we don’t start to recognize the role we play in our own misery or the way we contribute to the very culture we hope to improve, we have little hope for the future in schools.

So, my call to all of us is this:

Lead from every seat. Be the change you wish to see. Do not minimize your gifts, talents, and contributions. Do not miss an opportunity to celebrate the positive impact of others.

And remember that you are a human being…and so is everyone else.

Everyone.

Else.