Good Gossip

We’ve all experienced and likely contributed to “bad gossip” at some point in time. I wouldn’t say that it’s done with malicious intent necessarily, but it can certainly be very harmful. When it makes its way back us, it can feel unfair, isolating, and can make us feel like we can’t trust anyone.

I can remember riding the bus on the way to a football game as a high school cheerleader. I had my headphones on (this was in the age of CD’s…) and I had a weird feeling someone was talking about me. So, I turned off the music but kept the headphones on, so it looked like I still couldn’t hear what others were saying. I heard one of my teammates say that, “She thinks everyone likes her.” This could have been about all people or in the context of high school boys. I have no idea which but I could definitely tell by their body language that they were speaking about me. This might sound terrible, but they weren’t wrong. It wasn’t that I thought everyone liked me, but I hadn’t spent much time worrying about whether people didn’t like me. Until this moment when I found myself speculating that perhaps THEY didn’t “like” me.

I’m not sharing this to come down on those girls. I’m also not sharing this to get on some kind of soap box or to act as if I’ve never said anything about someone that they wouldn’t have appreciated if they were in the room. I’m ashamed to say that I have, and I can be better.

I had something beautifully unexpected happen to me this week. It was small and subtle, but it meant the world to me. Yesterday, I had the opportunity to co-facilitate a learning session at our conference style PD day. The session was about “growing our sense of community…one room at a time.” During one of the moments in the session when we asked them to turn and talk to a partner, I saw a teacher who I don’t know very well, quickly glance up at me and then say to her partner, “Meghan is such a beautiful person.”

Now, I’m not sharing this to be self-serving. I’m sharing it because I was so moved by it. In roles like mine, the title can feel heavy, and the work can be lonely. As an assistant superintendent, I’ve learned to live with the fact that when I walk into the cafe during lunch, it’s not uncommon for the topic of conversation to quickly change. I’ve gotten used to speaking less and listening more to ensure others have a chance to be heard and to also ensure that my position doesn’t pressure people to think like me.

It’s hard to get to know people even when you cultivate spaces that invite relational connectedness. But I keep trying because I believe deeply in educators and in our collective potential. I’m making mistakes all over the place and have ugly moments just like everyone else.

To hear someone say that they think I’m a beautiful person in the midst of my struggle, it made me feel like, “Wow, how inspiring for someone to choose to see the best in me. How remarkably generous of someone to see my heart in such a positive light.” It made me want to be more of that person she sees. I love that it wasn’t said directly to me. Of course, that’s special too. I relish affirmation. However, in this case, she doesn’t know I heard her. So, she said this because she meant it, and she meant it enough to say it to another person. And I got to hear it. What a gift.

As destructive as bad gossip can be, imagine how powerful good gossip can be. What would happen if kids caught us hyping them up to another adult. What would happen if teachers caught each other raving about their contributions at the lunch table just as they entered the room. What would happen if principals overheard district office administrators marveling at the way they facilitated their most recent staff meeting.

I say, YES. Yes to telling people directly and yes to good gossip too.

If we are wired to find threats to safety, which we are, and you can learn more about that in Legacy of Learning then there is no amount of positive feedback or good gossip that’s too much. Our brains need this practice.

I think a little good gossip might do our cultures some good. And let’s hold ourselves accountable for minimizing the bad gossip too.