Stay Curious

I’m a day delayed in my weekly post, so for the three people (LOL) that consistently read my blog, thank you, and my apologies.

I’m currently at the ISTE-ASCD annual conference. I’m enjoying the learning immensely and cannot explain just how big my heart grew when I got to finally meet my long time friend, Sean Gaillard, in-person.

I haven’t been very open about the fact that I see a therapist once a month. Not that I’m ashamed of it or really need to talk about it here, but three years ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 40. Wild, isn’t it? When my dad died, I was six years old, and fear of death and that my mom would die landed me therapy as a kid. I’ve been in and out of therapy my entire life and believe deeply in the positive impact therapy can have on people.

A few years ago, I believed that my anxiety was ramping up and that I needed to talk to someone, but after about six months of sessions, I was diagnosed with ADHD. My therapist said something to me that I’m finally seeing for myself.

She said that I’m a confident person with a low self-esteem. I asked her to say more, and she explained that I know I’m a competent person and do good work, but I don’t think very highly of myself.

I’ve been sitting with that feedback for over a year now.

And I’m finally seeing it. I’m seeing it at this conference. When someone asks me about myself, I fumble over the question and what to say. I love talking about the teachers I support, big ideas, hopes, dreams, what I’m reading, and the work itself. But when asked to talk about myself, I shrink.

I struggle when someone asks me about my book. I believe deeply in Legacy of Learning, and I try to live what I write every day. But “promoting it” – I struggle.

I certainly don’t talk about my blog or my book at work. I stay focused on my work and the people in my organization, and I will always be that way. That’s what it’s all about it. It’s leading through others. It’s not about me.

And yet, me, beyond all of that, me as a human, content creator, leader…

I probably have some work to do. I’m not judging it. I’m curious about it.

As Walt Whitman said, “Be curious. Not judgmental.”

There’s a fine line between being selfless and about others and about the work without being too small.

So, if you have ever felt small at a conference or doubted yourself or have found yourself internalizing comments that have been made about you that are unfair or belittle you, I see you.

We can get curious about it and work on it together. We can be curious about it while loving people and taking good care of the work.

Why does this matter so much? Because in a profession that is about empowering others, the way we talk to ourselves serves as a model.

Today I attended a session with Jill Handley, Ed.D. and Lara Donnell, Ed.D. They shared this quote, “As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.” – Marianne Williamson

I saw something on Instagram that said, “If everything around you is dark, maybe you are the light.”

Let’s stay curious about what that looks like for ourselves, so we can inspire others.