I’m working on being a critical consumer of my own messages. Everywhere I go, there I am. Ugh, it can be annoying, ha. We focus on being critical consumers of social media messages, television, what we read in articles, and yet, there seems to be less talk about paying attention to the messages that reach us the most frequently. The messages that come from an all too familiar voice. So familiar, in fact, that we don’t see them as messages at all but rather truths.
Our inner dialogue.
In Legacy of Learning, I share a tool from researcher and scientist, Aaron Beck. It’s called the Cognitive Triangle. It’s essentially the notion that thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to behavior. So in theory, and assuming we aren’t in real physical danger, we can completely change our perception of situations, the intentions of others, and our capabilities. By replacing a thought, we can ultimately move into more productive feelings and behaviors.
I’m not saying that we walk around with a notebook and draw triangles. But in order to access any kind of tool like this, we have to be awake. Some might call it mindfulness, others presence, or being in the moment, but we have to look away from our phones and practice noticing the world around us, so we can then notice the world within us. Then, and only then, can we imagine and create a more beautiful reality for ourselves and others.
I saw my friend, an insanely skilled author and presenter, Mike Kleba, post over the summer about being in the moment and noticing things like the clouds in the sky. I’ve heard him talk about noticing how our feet feel on the ground or the sensation of the chair that’s holding us up. It sounds so simple and yet in today’s world, what is simple has somehow become less accessible because we are so enamored with our phones.
So, I tried it yesterday. I was laying at the pool, and I looked up and saw so many different kinds of clouds. I saw thin, wispy strands of clouds. I saw chunky, fluffy cotton candy clouds roll by, and I noticed some clouds that carried a heavier under belly of darkness and wondered what those clouds would become long after the wind seems to carry them away.
In my noticing of the clouds, I found myself wondering why I wasn’t choosing this more. It felt really peaceful and nice. This weekend I started to notice other choices I was making. Some helped me access peace and joy and others did not. I think it’s easy to forget that we have a choice or that we have the free will to make choices for ourselves, big and small, and how beautiful it is to choose somethin for ourselves.
I enjoyed my choice of music during my drive today. And then I realized that if I wanted to, I could turn the music as loud as I pleased. Something about that humored me. I chose to go on a walk with a friend who happens to live down the street from me. It brought me joy to wave at her from across the bridge as we approached each other. Something about this felt very wholesome and childlike. Like playing with other kids in the neighborhood growing up. We got to choose the path of our walk together, relishing certain streets and avoiding others because we had the will to choose. How special that we chose each other as friends and chose to spend time together outside. For 45 minutes, I didn’t think about my phone or what was on my to-do list. It was just “nice” for lack of a better word.
I’ve made other bigger and bolder life choices as have you. Free will is pretty neat after all. 🙂
Last week, I sought someone out at work. They previously had said some things in a recent meeting that intrigued me, and I wanted to hear more. Had I been on my phone or had I mentally checked out at that time, I might have overlooked their contribution. Luckily, I was tuned in because this follow-up conversation proved powerful. I had no other agenda than to listen. What was supposed to be 30 minutes turned into an hour. At the end, they said that they thought my understanding of the work and what was needed was spot on with maybe “a few tweaks.”
Now, you know where my brain went. Tweaks, interesting. I had two choices. Ask about the tweaks and risk hearing something that would be hard to hear. Something that might shake my confidence or make me question the direction we are headed. Or I could not ask about the tweaks. They were “tweaks” after all. Something this individual made sound small and so insignificant that they didn’t choose to share them outright.
I asked about the tweaks. I had to know. Good, bad, or indifferent, I really wanted to know. What I heard were, in fact, not tweaks at all. But a couple of brilliant thoughts that made me want to rethink parts of the plan all together. I think after hearing those “tweaks,” I’m more confident in the plan. The plan is so much better and very much “why didn’t I think of that!”
I think deep down this professional knew they weren’t tweaks. They either didn’t know how I would react to them, or they figured that calling them tweaks made it safer for me to ask more with the notion of, “If they are just tweaks, I can do small things!” Either way, I’m so glad I asked. I’m so glad that I was open to listening and truly hearing versus listening to confirm or refute.
Being free and truly open to listening to ourselves and others may be the most important work we do, and yet, common sense is sometimes not so common after all. Especially among leaders. I get it. We take a lot of hits. We often feel unfairly criticized. Listen anyway. It’s the best and only true path forward.
This week, enjoy your free will. Really enjoy and appreciate it. And I’m asking each of us to go just a little deeper in at least one conversation this week. We may see or hear something that could change our work or our plans for better. You will know it when you see or hear it. A word used that you wonder about or a face or gesture that leads you to believe that there is more under the surface. Be gentle with people in your asking and gentle if they aren’t ready to go there yet. Because while you might not be scary, your title can be. Titles organize us, but they also get in the way of real human connection. It’s not your fault that people bring their own negative perceptions or trauma to your title. But how you respond is your responsibility, always.
Listen. You might be surprised by what you hear.
And maybe you will learn something that will help you understand your next best move.
That is one of the wildest secrets of adulthood. There is no roadmap or manual. We are all simply winging it and trying to figure out our next best move.
The irony is that the answers we seek lie within ourselves and each other.
But we have to be awake and brave enough to look for and find those hidden gems of potential.
MEGHAN LAWSON 
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