Somebody Hates You

“Somebody hates you.” – George Couros, Forward Together

Perhaps the most compelling chapter title in a book. If there is anything that I’ve learned over the years, it’s that being kind won’t save you. I still believe deeply in kindness and being that which we wish to see in the world, but if you think that your goodness is going to spare you from heartbreak or even unfair judgment from others, you will be endlessly disappointed.

For those of us carrying around titles that others may deem “high up,” please know that this will happen to you time and time again. It will feel unwarranted and unfair and at times wildly off base, but it’s going to happen, and it’s going to keep happening. People will make unfair assumptions about you, your character, your integrity, and perhaps even petty assumptions too. I can still remember learning that an administrator who didn’t know me well told another administrator, “She’s just a pretty face who makes people feel good.” The administrator waited to hear how I would react to hearing this. I thought about it for a second and quipped, “Well, I guess that’s better than being an ugly face who makes people feel bad.” Probably not the most appropriate reply, but I was hoping to bring some levity to the situation because here is the thing: your response will dictate whether your trusted people continue to tell you what others are not.

You will feel under attack as a leader, and you will feel it often, but it’s what you do or do not do with that feeling that will dictate your future and the impact you can have on others and your organization.

As a leader, you will have to learn to kindly sit with people who do not speak well of you when you aren’t in the room. As George Couros reminds us in Forward Together, “People can hate you for not living up to what they think you should be in the role, and sometimes they will hate you for being good at your job. Either way, someone hates you.”

This might be one of the hardest leadership truths not only because he’s right but because as he explains later in that chapter, “If we let everyone who hated us or strongly disliked what we had to say stand in the way of our efforts to build community and move people forward, we would all be frustrated and stuck.”

So, people are going to say what they are going to say and often not to our face. Sometimes, there is a truth there that has something to teach us. Many times, there’s not.

Don’t let the haters and backstabbers get you down or get in the way of good work.

If you are high integrity and doing great work for the right reasons and the right way, then chin up and keep going. Stay close to the truth-tellers who are rooting for you and can give you a more balanced view of the work and your role in the work.

Let haters have their version of you. Build the version that makes you proud.